One chilly late November evening I conducted this strange conversation with two of the One Car Pile Up kids, Dave (D) and Towie (T), on the wire. One Car Pile Up are an awesome band live and their new EP absolutely rules, so do check it out.
HH: OK, can you introduce yourselves and tell me what each of you do in the band ?
D: You first.
T: Me ?D: Yes.
T: I’m Towie, T.. O… W.. I.. E and I play drums in One car Pile Up… de-do de-do de-do-do-dum.
D: I’m Colin Gregson and I am the bass guitarist in Bad News.
T: But he’s not here.. Oh, hello.
D: Chris ? (shout to him in the room) C: What ?
D: Say your thing. (Chris comes to the phone) C: Hi my name’s Chris, I play guitar and I totally rule. (laughter)
T: Wanker.
D: He’s being kicked off the phone now, and Wes isn’t here, but Nathan could pretend to be Wes.
HH: And Yourself, Dave ?
D: Oh Sorry, yes I’m Dave and I…
T: also rule!
D: Stand at the front and look dumb.
HH: So how long have you been together now ?
D: Just over a year.
HH: Right and how’s One Car Pile Up different Gan ? (Laughter)
D: err…
T: Because they’ve got a decent drummer for a start and a decent bassist.
D: No, you can’t say that. Different members…
T: Members being the operative word! (laughter)
D:
No, different songs.HH: OK, you’ve got a new disc out on Damaged Goods called Dr Robotnik, what’s the feedback been like ?
D: The reviews we’ve had on it have been very good.
HH: So how have things gone down live ?
D: OK, I think except for Manchester which was shit and I wish we’d never gone.
HH: That good eh ?
D: I don’t know what happened that night.
T: That was our bad gig.
HH: What your one and only!
D: Oh no, there’s been others.
T: We have a few now and again. But that was a bad one that’s it.
HH: I believe that one of your tracks on the new EP is about your boss Dave, so tell us the story ?
D: Err.. No not really it’s about bosses generally but after I found everything was true. (laughter)
HH: You can tell I’ve been reading your web site (which says that it’s about Dave’s boss).
D: Yes, right.
HH: So you’ve moved from grim Grimsby to sunny Scunny, what windows of opportunity has that opened for you ? (laughter)
D: 5 minutes more to get to work is really what it means and living with these wonderful human beings, Robin, Tow and Christopher Longdale.
HH: Which makes life all the more worthwhile !
T: Of course.
HH: Is the Queens (old Scunthorpe venue) still there ?
T: Yes.
D: The Queen ?!
HH: No, the Queens not the Queen!
T: Yeah, it’s still there, only just but they’re not doing much.
D: Queen aren’t from Scunny, mate.
T: They did a gig the other month but it was pretty mediocre.
HH: Right.
T: Not as good as in the good old days.
HH: Ah, the good old days in the Queens.
D: They just brought that out with Freddy on but we wasn’t… (laughter)
T: with Chumbawamba.
HH: Moving on you’ve got a new EP out on Crackle in the new year, tell us what’s on that then ?
D: It’s 3 new songs, it’s got Wes’ song which is really scary so you better ask him about that when you see him. A Heavy Metal one…
T: And a quiet pop punky pop one, Ice Blue Seas.
HH: How did that come about then, did they ask you or did you bribe them ?
T: They begged us!
HH: Begged You ?
D: Grovelled on all fours with their tongues out.
T: No, we’ve done a few shows for them as you do.
D: They um-ed and ah-ed about the last one, because Dave’s a sad old punk vinyl bloke and he said that the last one was too well produced.
HH: Oh well you can’t have that can you ?
T: No, you can’t.
D: But I think Becky twisted his arm.
HH: So do you want to give your Web site a plug ?
D: Err, how do I do that ?
HH: Just say where its at ‘cos I can’t remember.
D: I can’t either.
HH: I know it’s a squiggly line and a load of numbers.
D: http://www.microsoft.com
HH: Yeah right, I think if you want to download some free software.
T: Hey!!!
D: Rick check your email for it.
HH: Yeah, I was about to. (laughter)
HH: Do you surf then… on the high seas maybe ?
D: I skate a little but I fall off.
T: I like to skate.
HH: So do you surf the net ?
T: What’s a computer ?
HH: What ?
T: What’s a computer ?
HH: It’s one of those funny things that people have in their living rooms these days.
T: No, Dave has his in his bedroom.
HH: Oh right, in his bedroom for all that porn on the net then, eh ?
T: It’s a temple.
D: Yeah, yeah. I’ve got a padlock on my door.
HH: The door to the temple.
T: The Porn Temple.
D: Yeah, I’ve got Gary Glitter on my walls.
HH: You better not take your PC in for repair then ! (Laughter)
D: No one’s getting their dirty little hands on it.
T: But he gets his dirty little hands all over his… (laughter)
HH: I thought you were going to say mouse then. (laughter) So you’ve been doing some gigs around and about to support the EP have you got tours planned abroad or anything ?
T: Ireland (in a Dublin accent)
D: Ireland in April.
HH: Northern or Southern ?
D: Both I think, it’s the Hope Collective.
HH: Oh yeah, they’re cool. Anything else on the horizon ?
D: Errr.. No actually we’ve just got one more show booked this year. So next we’ll probably split up! (Laughter)
HH: You’ve had enough already then ?
D: Yeah, we’ve had enough.
HH: Ok, so lowering the tone again, I saw in your thanks list you thank the Family Planning Association. So what’s your favourite form of contraception ?
T: Definitely the cap.
HH: What’s that, the clap or the cap ?!
T: The cap, ‘cos you can wash it after.
HH: So you’re into recycling.
T: Dutch obviously… ‘cos it smells of cheese!
HH: So any Xmas wishes for our readers ?
D: Errr…
T: Good question… err…
D: Yeah, err..
T: Drink more Tennents Bastard!!! (Silence)
T: That’s mine, oh and be nice to each other.
HH: I can tell Dave’s thinking… (laughter) …he’s obviously trying to think of something really witty to say, but failing miserably. (laughter)
D: It’s gotta be something to do with Santa Claus.
T: There Ain’t No Sanity Claus.
HH: What a lovely Damned song there.
T: One from out of the hat.
HH: Aye!
T: Are you in the Flashman’s Society ?
HH: No.
T: Just wondering.
D: What are you on about ?
T: The Damned fan club.
HH: Are you ?
T: No, but I know a man who is and it’s very nice.
HH: Are they still doing the club and stuff ?
T: Yeah, I think so.
HH: Because they play the odd gig now and again.
T: Very poorly… Oh that one’s got a big nose, Oh he’s in a skirt, he’s got make up on, he’s original…
HH: Come on Dave.
D: He’s gone.
HH: He’s lost it, big style.
T: But less about the Damned.
D: Are you alright mate ?
T: Cardiacs, I like the Cardiacs…
D: Towie’s been drinking Tennents Bastard.
HH: Good, that’s what I like to hear a man after my own heart.
T: I’m only on my second can.
HH: OK, put an end to the rumours that I’ve read in a couple of fanzines that say One Car Pile Up pretend to be American ?
D:
You’ve read that, wow. Where did you read it ?HH: I can’t remember which one it was in I’ve read that many you lose track of them.
D: Wow, that’s excellent. Well Chris is Canadian and we like to pretend that we’re American… but it’s all a joke.
HH: Yeah, but it can be pretty offensive to some Canadians to be called American, can’t it ?
D: It can be yeah, but he likes it.
T: The accent comes out more.
HH: So do you think it will give you a major label signing then ?
D: What pretending to be American ?
HH: Yeah.
D: And people slagging us off for it, oh yeah bound to!!! (laughter)
HH: Tell me your worst nightmare ?
T: Having my penis chopped off, I think… Impotence.
D: Why would that matter, it’s too late on both counts for you!
T: Oh, baldness.
HH: On top or below ?
T: Both I think, I mean you can’t really impress them.
D: You’ve got to have a big shaggy beard to impress them.
T: Shaggy beard to shaggy beard does promote your love making… especially that women in Bizarre, I liked her.
HH: Well, that’s me out of questions, anything to else you’d like to say ?
T: Ask about our favourite bread products.
HH: OK, what’s your favourite bread products ?
T: Dave is a bagel.
D: Yeah, I like bagels.
T: I like muffins, no sexual preference… brown or white.
D: Wes like loads of bread with cheese and tomato ketchup in.
T: And Chris likes these big Mediterranean cakes or something.
HH: OK.
T: Anything to add ?!
HH: Yeah.
D: Chris says edit out the bits where we talk (laughter) Put something interesting instead… We’re not American…
HH: Buy the single ?
T: We never plug.
D: We don’t want people to buy our records because we’ll become too popular and sell out. So no, obscurity is nice.
HH: What’s your contact address then now ?
D: 110 Burringham Road, Scunthorpe, DN17 2DE, UK www.hardcoreporn.com or www.allholesfilledwithhardcock.com (Laughter).
HH: OK guys thanks a lot.
T: Oh can’t you talk to us some more. I don’t get very many phone calls.
HH: Oh don’t you, ahhh! (laughter)
T: Do you do fisting ?
HH: Ooh, I do everything lad.
D: No stop him now, terminate this please.
T: What colour pants have you got on ?
D: End this madness now. (laughter)
T: OK. Thank you very much Richard.
HH: No problem, thank you kind Sirs.
D: Cheers mate, see you around.