Here follows an interview with UK punkers Cleatus that was conducted via email during January and February 1998 all spellings have been left as received to give character to the interview.
To start things off can you give us a potted history and a who's who in the band?
Anvil: Thousands of years worth of human evolution followed by several generations of inbreeding were required to achieve the necessary genetic makeup from which we were cloned.
'Howe' Mennies: Singing Dork / Sick-Strin'Ad-Hock.
Leddie 'Laiden Mit Gift' Barrile: Sick-Strin' Ubermeister.
Anvil Bassiste: Bastarde.
Norris 'Bige Rige' Baldeste: Stix n'Skinnies.
You’ve got a new split 7" out with Fair Dinkum, how did that come about and have you had anything else out on vinyl ?
Anvil: We were propositioned by the founder of the 'Incoming' label, Iron'ead Mac. He breathed his foul, garlic infested breath deep into the face of our manager, Leather Mattis. We had played with Fair Dinkum before, and found ourselves mysteriously drawn towards their high energy brand o' Punk Rock. Unfortunately, they have since ceased to function as a unit. The split 7" with Fair Dinkum is our first (and only) effort on vinyl to date. However, there is plenty more material in the pipeline so don't sell your gramophones just yet.
Mennies: We were about the only two punk bands in the area not to have 7"'s, so we did it to stop our own inadequacies
The Dirty Harris Demo has that totally cool song "Barry White" on what made you write about the sex god with a deep throat err.. voice ? What would you say your main topic with regard to song writing is all about ?
Anvil: Mennies writes the songs. He is a lyrical genius; a veritable fountain of bollocks and shite that simply cannot be plugged. The most common themes are the ham-shanklin and visits to the doctors.
Mennis: It's not really about Barry White more about other ugly fat blokes who act like bungholes yet still get the birds. This appears to be the main topic of all our songs either loving or hating celebs.
You’ve got your own website now so give it a plug and tell me if you’re an avid surfer or a little dabbler ? What are your favourite sites ?
Anvil: Our Webshite is in constant need of updatement. Leddy is rather slack in that department (amongst others). I would generally consider myself a little dabbler, or at least that's what my gurl-friend sais. Besides which, being an avid net-surfer can turn you into a sad bastard (ie: the drumma.)
Mennis: I haven't seen the homepage for a while as I've been busy downloading quality porn from the incestnet.
What are Cleatus up to at the moment ?
Anvil: Up to around the two and a half minute mark.
Mennis: Not a whole bunch. We've had good reviews for the shit split and recorded some new tunes at chrimble and hopefully after college we'll get someone to put out a single and an album.
How would you describe you fellow band members and how would they describe you ?
Anvil: 'Howe' Mennies: Attention seeking Tantrum Meister, Leddie Barrile: The pecker with right wing affiliations, Norris 'Bige Rige' Baldeste: Fat git with no shame, Me: Musically inept Bastarde.
Mennis: They describe me as unnerving.
Who’s arms would you like to die in ?
Anvil: A Thalidomide victim.
Which band that you’ve played with have been the most star struck (ie have been total rockstars) ?
Mennis: This trad indie band called the Buffleheads they acted like they were headlining at a packed Wembley stadium when they were playing second on the bill in an empty Camden Falcon.
What’s your prediction for the World Cup ?
Leddy: It's gonna be a cracker, climaxing with a Pakistan v Wales final. Who can say who the winner will be ?
Anvil: I think it will probably stay gold for the foreseeable future.
Mennis: Its gonna be pretty tough to beat Brazil although my outside bet is Argentina cos of Alel Balbo and Gabrielle Batistuta..
Anything you’d like to plug or say ?
Mennis: I'd like to plug the following Gillian Anderson, Jennifer Anistion, Madchen Amick, that bird off the Gold blend adverts, that bird off Casualty,that bird off of Red Dwarf, Joey Lauren Adams,Shannen Dohety, Jack Doherty, Tommy Doherty.
Anvil: I am experienced in the ways of man.
Contact:
Cleatus, 20 The Meadway, Cuffley, Herts, EN6 4ES, UK.
Website: http:\\www.csc.liv.ac.uk\~u5js\cleatus.html