OK, I'm been sort of thinking about age a lot lately, partly because by the time you read this I'll have had my birthday and hit the ripe old age of 27. So with this in mind and destined to hit the OAP of punkdom (that's 30 for those of you too young to be even thinking about it!) I figured it would be a good way of unburdening my senile ramblings and also suss out our readership! Yep, anyone who writes in saying that they know what I mean, can be tarred with the same brush as those of us who like Siouxsie & The Banshees and their classic single that surprisingly has the same title as this here rag! But on the other hand if you write in saying "I just didn't get that shit" then I know you were probably born in the same year that very single was released! So on with the experiment err… I mean rant.

I'm sure most of you've heard the Descendents great album "Everything Sucks", well have a good listen to the track "When I Get Old" because it kind of sums up some of the stuff that goes through my head from time to time. I must admit it feels strange talking about age when I'm only 26, but your mid-20s are well fucking screwy and you kind of make this metamorphosis. It's so weird how you tend to think differently and how a lot of your priorities change. It's not that I feel like I've become older like some degenerate, out of touch grandfather but more a case that the perception I have of myself and the world has matured some what.

When I was 16 the things that were important to me were punk rock, getting pissed, going to gigs and generally having a good time while signing on and going part time to college. Life was very straight forward in retrospect, I had no bills, no responsibilities (except to myself) and I had my giro to spend on beer, fags and records. I never really thought about owning my own house or having a job or spending my life with someone else or any of those kinda things. In my naiveté I thought that was for older people - you know like when you're 30 or something, but what's old ? I guess I thought old was like my parents and I just didn't want to be like them. But funnily enough as you get older you tend to shift the goal posts, when I was 16 I thought people who were 23 were old! When I became 23 I thought people who were 30 were over the hill! The funny thing is that I'm four years off being 30, I've been married to my lovely wife Sam (co-writer of this zine) for 8 years and I've just changed jobs after working for five years in a vegetarian & wholefood workers co-op to now ironically, working as a business development worker for a non-profit organisation helping young people start-up and run worker co-ops, weird huh?! So already I have done most things I never thought I would, when I was a mere teenager hoping that I would be touring the world with some cool punk band and in fact only really playing small venues in small bands.

The fact is I would have been scarred shitless of working ten years ago, I spent most of my time dodging the various crappy dole schemes writing the correct answers in the restart forms and showing rejection letters from jobs I'd applied (for knowing full well I didn't have any of the required qualities when applying) just to collect the "Unfortunately on this occasion you were unsuccessful" letters. In hindsight, I guess I've been pretty lucky to have worked in places that I have and that have fitted in with my ethics and ideals.

So how have I changed ? Well, you know how in your teens you're just so excited and so fucking angry about everything and you get involved with all sorts of groups and activism; you know animal rights, CND, anarchism, and all that stuff. Which is all great but it all tends to be based blind acceptance through sheer idealism and you get into this sort of us and them affair which is kind of counter productive and is not really a true reflection of the real world. In your mid 20s you become really disillusioned with everything and you get like… head fuck big time! You begin to see all the grey areas where once it was all so black and white and the world seems like such a cruel place. You seem to realise all the horrific things that humans do to each other and it really affects you, well it did me anyway. You can no longer fall back on idealism and you don't believe that you can change the world with a leaflet and a demonstration. You know it takes much more and it seems like such a burden just living amongst all that misery. At least when you're in your teens you believe anything's possible and you can really change the world in a day. Shit, is that a fucking reality crash landing to everything you held dear to your idealistic heart or what.

It's like being dragged between two posts and at the time you think that your losing every ideal you ever had, but actually you're like one of those caterpillars in a chrysalis waiting to break free and become a butterfly. In the process you assess yourself and everything you stand for and it's kinda scary and not very pleasant. In fact, I became a real heavy drinker and would drink half bottle of vodka before going out, then 7 pints in the pub before going on to a club to continue drinking double vodkas until the early hours. Amazingly I didn't suffer from any hang overs but after a few months I realised I had to slow down, as apart from piling on the pounds, it wasn't helping any.

But when you come through you feel like you've been reborn, honest, not like as a Christian - but I can see why people turn to Buddhism and Krishna, not that I don't subscribe to any of that, but if people want to then that is there choice, hey that's a mature outlook isn't ?! In fact it's things like that I notice about myself, another one is watching a film! Yeah, any old film and I get really involved with the relationships in it. I'm like putting myself in their situation and say a partner dies or the kid has an incurable disease and even though it's fiction I'm sucked right in, like a right soppy fucker, I'm choking up and there's tears running down my face. I'm like, so those tear ducts do work, but it's also like hey, where did all that come from. Ten years I couldn't have cried at a film if I'd have wanted to, it's like discovering emotions and feelings you never knew you had.

Another nail in the proverbial coffin is DIY, that's like B & Q, Texas and Wicks not some cool underground label! I know what you're thinking - "he's really lost it now". Well, I use to hate doing any odd jobs, it would take me like months to get around to doing simple tasks. But now I will openly admit I enjoy it, it's weird but I've got this cool toolbox now and an array of power tools.

Anyway as I was saying it was a really strange time getting to grips with myself, one I wouldn't like to repeat but strangely one that I needed to go through to come through the other side, if that makes sense! One of the other things about it all is coming to terms with your past, especially your childhood and you realise just how much your parents fuck you up. From the day you're born they lay all their neurosis and all the shit they took from their parents and pass it on to you like some kind of family heir loom and when you realise that, it's like you finally know how to deal with all their irritating habits in one fell swoop. Which is when you stop feeling you owe them something for bringing you up and start doing things you want to do.

It was also at this time that my best friend got involved with this woman and just stopped coming around to see us, she was 9 years older than him and I figured she wasn't too keen on our punky lifestyle as it didn't really fit in with her job in telesales (?!) and we were probably a bad influence! But it really cut me up as we'd been really close friends since school and it just came as such a shock. Even when I confronted him about it he sorted shrugged his shoulders, so I thought fuck it and said "Ok, see ya around"; I've never seem him since but I suppose people just come and go.

So going slightly on the beaten track here, OK so what's new, huh ?! Having just read through this rant it all sounds a bit miserable and probably a lot of you will be thinking well I never felt like that, but hey, that's what column writing is all about making a fool out of yourself and a little bit of psychotherapy for the writer.
But now I'm really happy in my life, I don't do anything I don't want to do and I still have most of my ethics in tact, well at least the ones that are important. But most of all I respect people a lot more and take everyone on their own merit rather than pre-judging them. I'm certainly more open minded about things and I thought I was open-minded when I was in my teens, but I suppose the ideals which punk rock showed me have stayed with me all the time. You see I've loved punk since I was 14 and only when there are no new bands to make me want to jump around like a lune, will I not be into all this. The point is that punk rock is not about one particular idea or attitude it's about people with enthusiasm to do something themselves. It's not about being more punk or better than anyone else, it's about being yourself and interacting with other people who want to do the same. That is more revolutionary than any leaflet or demonstration because it's a personal politic of the mind and the only thing you truly own and control. That way the end product will always be different and that's why punk rock has survived over 20 years, because it's constantly evolving with the old and new people who mould it with their individual ideas and enthusiasm. That is all the inspiration I need to keep me going and while 13 year old kids are picking up guitars for the first time in their parents garages or in their bedrooms, there will also be this kind of thing around.

So what will I be like when I get old… fuck, who knows or cares, but I'm going to have a great deal of fun finding out.
Love life, live it to the full and I'll see you next issue...